Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
