you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
