I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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