Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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