she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
