So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
