If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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