I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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