How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
