the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
