Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
