so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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