So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
