Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
