martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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