Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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