ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
