Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
