i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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