jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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