oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
