He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
