my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
