Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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