ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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