You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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