on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
