never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
