i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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