I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
