I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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