i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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