when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
