you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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