You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
