when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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