respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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