i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
