i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
