worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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