I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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