to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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