In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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