also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
