It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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