I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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