I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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