I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
