I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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