I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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