i already hear my dad disowning me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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