Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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