I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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