Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
