there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
