he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
