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What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
