the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
