Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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