i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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