if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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