Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
