Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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