Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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